Perhaps I should explain myself. I am angry almost constantly. In the past almost 5 yrs since my diagnosis I have grown increasingly bitter and just plain pissed off. From the early "why me?"
to the later rationlizations for cancer and its seeming desire to pick on my family, I have grown oh so bitter. This bitterness has not abated but grown full into a daily and in fact nightly drubbing of my conscious and unconscious mind. During the day I am pissed and at night in my dreams I am thinking about people both professionally and personal who have wronged me!
In truth it is haunting me endlessly. I feel like a murder of crows are flying around me, lighting on me and pecking me to death!
Has anyone else felt or feels that way?
Hey Keith, I hardly feel qualified to say I am hacked off with all of this sh** that life is throwing at me because I am "only" smouldering. But things have been relentless for many months now the most recent finding out I am high risk when I progress and in fact could be considered high risk for progression. Medically I have been handled very badly and I cant let go of that anger...it is eating me up!! I feel like Victor Meldrew, a character in a comedy over here in the uk! Its a total vicious circle, I feel anger then guilt which makes me angry then guilty...I have retired to my cave for the time being until I am over this but this just isolates me even further!! Rather that tho than hurting my nearest n dearest. I dont want people to remember me as an old misery guts when I am gone. Hang in there and hopefully things will get better for you, its not easy dealing with what you deal with so dont be too hard on yourself, Keith :) Take care :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Kay,
DeleteI am trying to be a more positive person. It is tough though very tough.
Hope all is well with you.
Keith
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way Keith. Hope things start to brighten up for you. Have you considered talking to someone about your feelings? Take care!
ReplyDeleteYES! Between my health problems, which ruined the quality of my life, my husband's MM diagnosis at 43, when our daughter was just 8, and the people who have screwed me/us over, including our own family members, even though we have always been there for them........PISSED OFF??!!.....um, yeah, you could say that. And it never seems to end. Hard to "get over it" when the stuff just keeps on happening. Seems like any time something good happens in our lives, someone in our family has to cr*p all over it, even as recently as 1 week ago, in the middle of our daughter's sweet 16 camping trip. SO SICK OF IT ALL!
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